I woke up feeling irritable and tired, a deep ache in my bones that did not resolve with heat or coffee. Even my bible felt too heavy.
There is a despair that sometimes visits me and it’s hard to tell if it’s depression or simply fatigue. But it has value. It makes me vulnerable and real and honest and helps me talk out loud to God without feeling silly. “How did I end up here again? I thought it would be different now. Why do You expect so much of me and how can I do anything when I feel this bad all the time?”
I thought about what what I might be doing wrong. (I always assume I’m doing something wrong.) I wondered why God wouldn’t let me just stop – not just working – but living. Sometimes it’s just too hard to keep trying to do the right thing.
But then I realized I was looking at it all wrong, that is, thinking that anything I could ever do on my own strength would be worthwhile.
Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu called herself “a pencil in God’s hand.” She knew what it meant to allow God to use you, to change you. Her belief led to her transformation into one of the most potent examples of Christ-like love on earth. Most of us know her as Mother Theresa.
Transformation is defined as “changing in composition or structure, outward form or appearance”. It also means to change in character or condition. The Business dictionary defines transformation, in an organizational context, as a “process of profound and radical change that orients an organization in a new direction and takes it to an entirely different level of effectiveness”. Boring, but I like it.
Perhaps by changing the words I can make it more personal: A process of intense and revolutionary change that turns us around and sets us on a completely new path with a “fully equipped” and entirely different level of worth, significance and effectiveness. So much better than the basic model.
Jesus was certainly our best example of how love can transform people. He looked beyond what was lacking and loved people into wholeness. And He sees our ultimate potential and promise underneath the wounded, imperfect armor we wear.
He was the ultimate Resolutionary.
No, I didn’t misspell it, I simply found a word that suited me. “Resolutionary”
Revolution vs. Resolution: where Revolution is defined as an uprising, upheaval, transformation, change and Resolution is defined as determination, perseverance, purpose, promise.
Jesus, the Resolutionary, is the One who up-ends our lives with a transformation of purpose, a riot of possibility, and our full potential to rise up with determination and promise. He sees that there is the tiniest space, a sliver of a void that is the ending of who we are and who we can become – if we allow Him to heal us.
Spiritual transformation is always personal. My Shepherd says to me:
“Do you really want to be healed and whole? Then stretch out your hand, reach out for me as I am reaching out for you. I love the imperfect mess you are, and because I love you I give you the grace to choose.”
The gift of freewill is just that – a gift. He wants us to choose him. Didn’t I want my husband to choose me? Love me freely without being talked into it? Didn’t I want to be his pearl, his chosen bride? And so Jesus wants me to choose Him. He doesn’t want me to settle for him, think he’s the best I can probably do for myself. He wants me to say Forever. For always. For keeps.
So yes, I do choose you Jesus – as my Savior, my Beloved, my Bridegroom. And I choose your best for me whatever that may be. I trust you to love me enough to change and transform me into Your vision and dream for me, rather than my limited vision of myself. To you I am a pearl, a “pearl of great price” that you gave all You had for.
If You think I was worth dying for, then I can believe You are worth living for.