Remembering

Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death. I went to place flowers on her grave, and to remember. All day long I have seen her smile and heard her laugh – the way it was when she was happy and well.

I have been reading through my  journals from the last two years. I am  a little unsettled by what I have written, and yet every word, every line, really happened. My journals carry raw truth and uncensored emotions that are sometimes painful to read, for I thought I wrote only for myself and no one else. In hindsight, I realize I have been writing with the type of transparency I had hoped to find in my mother’s journals, but did not.

I cannot believe that so much life, loss and healing has taken place in so little time. As I look back through the pages, I am grateful that I serve a God who specializes in the impossible and that the only hurts He cannot heal, are the ones I won’t admit.

F. Scott Fitzgerald once said,

“Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over.”

I have found this to be true. Having to begin again, while questioning everything I had been holding on to, has been the most difficult. I am learning that when everything is falling apart, when life is seemingly slipping through your fingers, it can take more strength to simply let it go.

A person who is drowning cannot be helped until they stop struggling.  Even though I thought I would sink into the depths of grief, it was as if God quietly came up behind me,  lifted me out of the water and gently laid me on the shore.

I believe that when we let go of our need to know the outcome, then God can do his best work in us. We are finally out of the way.  I had to be willing to lay down my idea of how things should be, and fully put my trust in His timing and healing.

I now know God does this, not because of who we are, but because of who he is: The God of healing, restoration and grace.

Here is what I wrote last year:

Faith

In the midst of trouble, surrounded on every side

Panicked, overwhelmed, perhaps frozen in fear;

It is here, in the center of chaos,

Where faith matters most.

God finds us here:

The heart of the storm, not the shore-

It is here, our boat rocking,

Waves high and splashing over the side,

That He stretches out his hand to calm the raging sea;

And in the stillness, we are safe, once again,

Embraced in the arms of our loving Father.